Pain during sex is a common issue for women. As many as 75% of women will experience pain during sex at some point, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.
If you’ve ever experienced painful sex, it can be more than uncomfortable physically, but can also bear the mental weight of “something is wrong with me”. My boyfriend and I have been watching a show on Netflix called Unorthodox. There is a scene in the show when the main character Esty experiences painful sex with her husband. She tries all the rules in the book, (some of which we will discuss) but nothing seems to help her, until she realizes that she needs to leave the relationship. She ends up finding a partner she wants to be with and notices that she can absolutely enjoy sex, it’s the context which mattered…
Now, your circumstance may be that you are not even with a partner but you find masturbation painful or you might be in a loving relationship and can still have painful sex…. What gives? A trip to the gynecologist for biological females can sometimes yield little to no support. I have personally experienced painful sex and after going to the gynecologist several times and asking: “what is wrong with me” I never got a real answer. Then I did some reading, some self searching and changed a lot of lifestyle things to realize that I was going to need to change my life in order to have enjoyable mind blowing sex once again.
I hope that this list of things can help you if you are experiencing painful sex and help to ease you back into pleasure.
Do you feel safe? Have you been undergoing a lot of stress?
When we are under a tremendous amount of stress, the nervous system tells the body to shut down reproductive desire. If there is a tiger chasing you down, you’re not necessarily going to want to get it on. In order to enjoy sex, a person’s nervous system has to agree with the possibility of sex and the situational circumstance. Emily Nagowski’s book “Come as You Are” is an excellent read for discovering your nervous system’s correlation to sex.
Here are some questions to ask yourself if you feel like there is a lack of safety in your life and it is a burden on your sex life:
Is my home life, my work life, and the environments I frequent “safe” feeling to me. Do I feel comfortable with myself and my sexual partner(s)? Does my day to day life feel like I am running away from a tiger?
Is your diet to blame?
When having sex, do you feel itchiness or dryness? You may want to check on your diet. First thing to do is look at your water intake. The usual water intake is your body weight in ounces. Second question is do you have a diet high in sugar? A combination of low moisture and high sugar is a sunny beach villa for Candida Albicans, a type of yeast that can become systemic in the body. This can lead to painful sex. The best thing to do is consult your doctor. I have personally felt the wrath of Candida Albicans and to fix this: I found that increasing my water intake, eating less sugar and starchy foods and eating more probiotic rich foods has helped me get away from this toxic situation. That and reducing my stress and sleeping well has brought me to a healthier and happier state.
Are you trusting and willing to let go?
If you do not trust your partner, you are not going to enjoy sex. You may trust your partner on many levels, from knowing that they will support you when you need it to knowing that they will pay their share of the bills on time… but trusting them in the bedroom can be a more challenging feat especially if you have had traumatic sexual experiences. I’m not going to bring up the #Metoo movement here, but understanding your past circumstances, are you able to allow yourself to let go and be in the current moment?
Are you afraid it’s going to hurt?
If you practice yoga, you realize how powerful thought is on the body. You are what you eat, breathe, do, and think. If you are fearing the worst, then your mind fixates on that place. Communication is key here, and if you need to slow down, slow down. Stop to smell the roses, take a moment to revel in foreplay. Breathe into any doubts and allow yourself to experience sex without thinking “wow, this is going to hurt”.
Many women have vaginismus which is a condition when the muscles at the opening of the vagina tightly contract, which can be due to biology and/or mental state. There are ways to get around this such as dilators for women, listening to the body and the cues, and learning what turns you on and off.
Are you giving yourself space to enjoy? What are your beliefs around this?
Really, though, are you? Through what lens do you view sex? Is sex lovely? Is it pleasurable? Is it gross? Is it sinful? Is it scary? Is it something that causes you guilt? What are your thoughts around sex? I have spoken to people who have had issues around letting go in the bedroom because they can’t get the voice out of their head that what they were doing was wrong. Trying anal sex for the first time with the bible verse about sodomy in your head is anti-sexy, unless you’re into that sort of thing. If this is you, or you think that your belief system is tripping you up, it may be a good idea to try the following exercise out:
Sit by yourself in a safe and comfortable place and write down your beliefs attached to sex. Write down influences that affect your sex life. Write what turns you on and what turns you off. Are there any social situations from the past, present, future that are holding you back? How do you right this course? How do you come into understanding in order to dissolve this thought process? Don’t be guilty or judge anything that comes out, this is between you and the paper.
Is there any physical trauma from this?
Physical trauma can be from slipping on some ice and falling on a sit bone when you were ten. Maybe your pelvic floor is really tight. Maybe your partner was a little rough with a vibrator that one time. Maybe you are holding pain from the “r” word here. Maybe you are holding pain from childbirth here. Maybe you’re working out a lot and your core is sore. Maybe its nearing that time of the month and you’re feeling kind of sensitive. Seeking a pelvic floor physical therapist may be a good idea in general if you want to see if everything is functioning well down there. There is also a really excellent book called the Wild Feminine by Tami Lynn Kent that talks about how to explore your pelvic floor and look deeper into the energetics of the body.
Are you getting wet n’ hard?
If you are female or a male you get wet and hard. The clitoris gets hard when aroused and the vagina gets wet. The penis gets hard when aroused and oozes pre-ejaculate which makes it wet. Vulvodynia is chronic pain at the opening of the vagina, including burning, stinging, soreness, itching, rawness, and pain during sex. This can be due to a plethora of things, if you don’t have a bacterial, yeast or sexually transmitted infection, it could be that you’re not using enough lube! If you find yourself unable to perform there are many types of amazing lubricants from water based, to silicone based, to even veggie based like coconut oil that help get things going down there. If you’re a male and you’re having a hard time getting it up, it may be time to consult your doctor.
Biological issues- maybe it’s time to go to the doctor
Ovarian cysts are fluid-filled sacs on the ovaries which often have no symptoms. This is something you will want to ask your doctor about. Fibroids are non-cancerous growths on the uterus that can cause heavy menstrual bleeding, pelvic pressure, pain, and painful intercourse. If your discharge is a different color than normal (keep in mind that it will change depending on your cycle) such as green or yellow, it might be time to go check in with your doctor. Also, getting an STD and STI test ever so often even if you are in a committed monogamous relationship is something that is important and can save a life.
I hope that this information was enlightening and you were able to come to a deeper understanding of your sex life and move away from painful or even awkward sex.
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I love and respect myself, I love and respect my earth, I treat others with respect and love.