According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists,75% of women will experience pain during sex at some point in their life.
If you’ve been someone to experience painful sex, you know that it’s a complicated feeling. The sex itself is physically uncomfortable, and can also bear the mental weight of “something is wrong with me”. Couch stories: My boyfriend and I have been watching a show on Netflix called Unorthodox. There is a scene in the show when the main character Esty experiences painful sex with her husband. She tries all the rules in the book, (some of which we will discuss) but nothing seems to help her, until she realizes that she needs to leave the relationship. She ends up finding a partner she wants to be with and very quickly notices that she enjoys sex! For her, it’s was the context that mattered…
Now, your circumstance may be that you are not even with a partner but you find masturbation painful or you might be in a loving relationship and might still be experiencing painful sex…. What gives? A trip to the gynecologist for biological females can sometimes yield little to no support. I have personally experienced painful sex and after going to the gynecologist several times and asking: “what is wrong with me?” I never got a real answer. Then I did some reading, a little self searching, and begun to see that I needed to look within to know what I needed to change in my life in order to have mind blowing sex once again.
I cultivated a list of practices, and things to consider that can help if you are experiencing painful sex. The goal here is to help to ease you back into pleasure.
Thought Process: Do you feel safe? Have you been undergoing a lot of stress?
When we are under a tremendous amount of stress, the nervous system tells the body to shut down reproductive desire. If there is a tiger chasing you down, you’re not necessarily going to want to get it on. In order to enjoy sex, a person’s nervous system has to agree with the possibility of sex and the situational circumstance. Emily Nagowski’s book “Come as You Are” is an excellent read for discovering your nervous system’s correlation to sex.
Here are some open ended questions:
Do I feel comfortable with myself and my sexual partner(s)? Is my home life, my work life, and the environments I frequent “safe” feeling to me. Does my day to day life feel like I am running away from a tiger?
Is your diet to blame?
When having sex, do you feel itchiness or dryness? You may want to check on your diet. First thing to do is look at your water intake, which ranges, but it should be your body weight in ounces. So if you weigh 118 pounds, you should be drinking 118 ounces of water a day. This may vary if you add exercise or high temperatures into the mix. Second question is do you have a diet high in sugar? A combination of low moisture and high sugar is a sunny beach villa for Candida Albicans, a type of yeast that can become systemic in the body. This can lead to painful sex and the best thing to do is consult your doctor. I have personally felt the wrath of Candida Albicans and to fix this: I found that increasing my water intake, eating less sugar and starchy foods and eating more probiotic rich foods has helped me get away from this toxic situation. Overall, reducing your stress and sleeping well will instill a healthier and happier state.
Are you trusting and willing to let go?
If you do not trust your partner, you are not going to enjoy sex. You may trust your partner on many levels, from knowing that they will support you when you need, to knowing that they will pay their share of the bills on time… but trusting them in the bedroom can be a more challenging feat especially if you have had traumatic sexual experiences. I’m not going to bring up the #Metoo movement here, but understanding your past circumstances can help you to find peace in the present. If you do have sexual trauma in your past, finding a therapist is an excellent way to talk it all out and to find some peace in your pelvic floor.
Are you afraid it’s going to hurt?
If you practice yoga, you realize how powerful thought is on the body. You are what you eat, breathe, do, and think. If you are fearing the worst, then your mind fixates on that place. Communication is key here, so, if you need to slow down, slow down. Stop to smell the roses, take a moment to revel in foreplay, feel their hair in your fingers, touch lovingly. Breathe into any doubts and allow yourself to experience sex without thinking “wow, this is going to hurt”.
It could be biological: Many women have vaginismus which is a condition when the muscles at the opening of the vagina tightly contract, which can be due to biology and/or mental state. There are ways to get around this such as dilators for women, listening to the body and the cues, and learning what turns you on and off.
Are you giving yourself space to enjoy? What are your beliefs around this?
Really, though, are you? Through what lens do you view sex? Is sex lovely? Is it pleasurable? Is it gross? Is it sinful? Is it scary? Is it something that causes you guilt? What are your thoughts around sex? If the voice in your head is judging you while you’re trying to get jiggy with it, you’re not going to enjoy yourself. Trying anal sex for the first time with the bible verse about sodomy in your head is anti-sexy, unless you’re into that sort of thing. If this is you, or you think that your belief system is tripping you up, it may be a good idea to try the following exercise out:
Sit by yourself in a safe and comfortable place and write down your beliefs attached to sex. Write down influences that affect your sex life. Write what turns you on and what turns you off. Are there any social situations from the past, present, future that are holding you back? How do you right this course? How do you come into understanding in order to dissolve this thought process? Don’t be guilty or judge anything that comes out, this is between you and the paper.
Is there any physical trauma from this?
Physical trauma can be from slipping on some ice and falling on a sit bone when you were ten. Maybe your pelvic floor is really tight. Maybe your partner was a little rough with a vibrator that one time. Childbirth pain? Have you been working out a lot and your core is sore? Perhaps its nearing that time of the month and you’re feeling kind of sensitive. Seeking a pelvic floor physical therapist may be a good idea in general if you want to see if everything is functioning well down there. There is also a really excellent book called the Wild Feminine by Tami Lynn Kent that talks about how to explore your pelvic floor and look deeper into the energetics of the body.
Are you getting wet n’ hard?
Regardless of your genitlia, we all get wet and hard. The clitoris gets hard when aroused and the vagina gets wet. The penis gets hard when aroused and oozes pre-ejaculate which makes it wet. Vulvodynia is chronic pain at the opening of the vagina, including burning, stinging, soreness, itching, rawness, and pain during sex. This can be due to a plethora of things, if you don’t have a bacterial, yeast or sexually transmitted infection, it could be that you’re not using enough lube! If you find yourself unable to perform there are many types of amazing lubricants from water based, to silicone based, to even veggie based like coconut oil that help get things going down there. If you’re a male and you’re having a hard time getting it up, it may be time to consult your doctor.
Biological issues- maybe it’s time to go to the doctor.
Ovarian cysts are fluid-filled sacs on the ovaries which often have no symptoms. This is something you will want to ask your doctor about. Fibroids are non-cancerous growths on the uterus that can cause heavy menstrual bleeding, pelvic pressure, pain, and painful intercourse. If your discharge is a different color than normal (keep in mind that it will change depending on your cycle) such as green or yellow, you might be experiencing a yeast infection or an STD/STI. While we are on that note: getting an STD/STI test ever so often even if you are in a committed monogamous relationship is something that is important and can save a life.
I hope that this information was enlightening and you were able to come to a deeper understanding of your sex life and move away from painful or even awkward sex.
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I love and respect myself, I love and respect my earth, I treat others with respect and love.