Really tapping (that’s what she said) into that sexual space is liberating and lick-your-fingers good. Have you ever struggled with delving into your sexuality or feel like that your pilot light is half out?
When we find ourselves in stressful situations, the nervous system shuts down the sex drive. The body’s rationale: why would you need to make a baby right now, when there is a tiger in front of you? Babies might be the furthest thing on our mind or not even a biological possibility, but the body’s sex drive is concerned with mating. Sometimes the body does the opposite however, sometimes high stress triggers sex drive, it just depends on what group you fall into. For those who may have a hard time stoking the fire, or want to enhance their sexual encounters, mindful sex is for you. If when you find yourself trying to get down with your partner and you’re struggling to perform or you notice yourself “performing” and not enjoying, that’s when you can implement mindful sex to improve your sexual connection with yourself or your partner.
That being said, mindful sex can be done by yourself or with a partner, and it can be used to invite a new relationship with sex and with your body. Here are a couple guidelines and tips to having mindful sex and really enjoying your pleasure and boosting your orgasm.
1
Notice
You can use this in your everyday life to create more sensation and more presence in what you do. For example: Notice how your feet feel touching the ground, or how your hair sits, or how steps can feel fluid, or how breaths can feel pleasurable. Notice how your skin feels if you slowly touch your fingers together. If you feel that gentle tickling feeling or a sense of yumminess or even the first step to yumminess you are on the right track. Sensuality is a sensory nature and the deeper sense of enjoyable presence you can grow into, the more you’ll actually want to show up and take part in your sex life. Even breathing can feel like orgasm if you set the intention.
2
Use your Senses
This goes hand and hand with noticing, but when you make love or find those sensuous moments, savor it. Stay in those moments and follow the pleasure, but don’t force. Notice any energy shifts, heat rising, feeling your partner’s breath on your skin, your skin to their skin, the way they move with you. You can do this solo as well, and I encourage you to do so. Put your hands on yourself and notice the feels, what comes up? Is there a particular emotion or maybe your body rejects the touch? If so, this is something that we must work through in order to surpass this belief system hiccup. Or, maybe you greet your own touch with open arms, feel your curves and send love there, touch your hair, touch your face, put your clean fingers in your mouth (wash your hands afterwards, you know the drill). Find gratitude for your physical body and fill it with good energy. How can you integrate the 6 senses (touch, taste, sound, sight, smell, & thought) into your day to create a more grounded awareness that evokes a sense of sensuality? Can you eat with sensuality, can you talk with sensuality, can you breathe with sensuality, can you let your muscles relax into sensuality.
Example practices:
Touch: touch your body non sexually and notice how good it feels.
Taste: eat a fruit and savor how sweet and how juicy it is
Sound: let your inner ear relax and become one with your environment, letting yourself melt into consciousness.
Smell: freshly clean, apply lotions or body oils or perfumes and gently massage them in. I find that perfume is a way for me to stay connected with my sensual nature.
Thought: let your thoughts be more gentle, a little less fast, and a little more compassionate.
3
Be Present
When we are not anchored in the body, we are off somewhere else in our thoughts and not feeling into our body. A good exercise to do for those who like to leave their body frequently is to notice the parameters of your skin. If you are with a partner, notice the connection of your two bodies to become one (this can be done with or without penetration, any amount of touch can do, even a gaze). If you have those moments of disappearing, remind yourself that you actually want to be where you are and that this is your time. If you are constantly being dragged away by worries, tell those worries that they need to take a number, and you’ll be with them at your convenience.
The more you work with this the better you will get at it, and the better you will feel and be able to experience a better relationship with your sensuous nature. It is helpful to journal any resulting feelings from reading this or initiating this practice. Something that I found that when I touched certain places on my body, my body didn’t want to give consent for me to touch it. In fact there were places where my body was genuinely angry at me for one reason or another so don’t be surprised if your body needs to strike up a conversation with you. Hold space for yourself. In the beginning of this discovery I had a light bulb moment of: if I wasn’t allowed to touch my own body, how was I going to let my partner touch it? So, I had to learn how to work with myself to offer consent in order to diffuse past trauma that I was holding within my body. After a short period of time my own touch was welcomed and enjoyed, and I was able to dive deeper into my own practice and experience a more connected and passionate sex life.
I hope this helped you or provided insights into how you can light up your pilot light. If you want more post about sexual health products and tips, check out my post: “Upgrading your Feminine Self-Care: Periods and Sex”. If you want more information regarding sex and the nervous system, I recommend “Come as you are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life” by Emily Nagoski. This book gets into the science of sexiness, Emily talks about how sometimes wanting sex when you are stressed out can feel like you are hitting the breaks and the gas at the same time. Also check out, Isabella Frappier, a sexuality educator for more resources including fun workshops, and classes on how to rekindle the fire.
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I love and respect myself, I love and respect my earth, I treat others with respect and love.